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CounterPunch
February
26, 2003
The Great Duct Tape Caper
Peek-A-Boo
by TOM WELLS
I'm not sure what was weirder -- them suggesting
Duct Tape and plastic; them expecting people to buy into it;
people actually buying into it; or the press not going apeshit
over how stupid this was, so.....here's my take.
The more I thought about the Duct Tape
Terror Alert Fiasco, the more I realized, we are in some deep
shit in this country of ours. Well, it used to be ours, but you
get my drift. I equated the whole Duct Tape deal to playing "peek-a-boo"
with my girls when they were infants. You know the game -- they
can't be seen if they have their hands over their eyes.
Tom Ridge at Homeland Security and John
Ashcroft at Justice (sic) may give that a try next. I can just
see Ridge and Ashcroft, solemn and grave as funeral home directors
after a local five-car pile-up, informing the American public
during Sweeps Week, perhaps breaking in during "Friends"
with one of those, "We interrupt this program to bring you
a breaking news bulletin." In my mind, it plays out like
this.
A camera pans in to Attorney General
John Ashcroft who clears his throat and begins, "Please
remain calm, but we must tell you, the American people, that
based on the information we just obtained from a half-page research
paper by a junior high student in Frisco, Texas, Mr. Ridge and
I have no choice but to bump the terror alert up to red."
Slipping on a red sweater with shiny gold buttons, he turns to
Tom Ridge and nods. "Mr. Ridge."
Ridge grabs the mike and says, "That
is right Mr. Attorney-General, the terror alert is now as red
as a Doberman's dick when he's got that right back leg really
cranking."
Ashcroft shakes his head in holy-disgust,
but asks anyway. "What suggestion do you and the Homeland
Security Office have for the American people?"
Ridge grimaces knowing he's screwed up
in front of his boss, the U.$. Ayatollah, but regroups and says,
"After consulting all of our terrorism experts and the 8th
grader from Frisco, we agree that all American citizens should
immediately place their hands over their eyes so the real terrorists
like Osama and his band of Queda's won't be able to see them.
If the terrorists can't see you, what are they going to do? Nothing!
That's what."
Ridge demonstrates by placing both hands
over his eyes, saying, "Like so." Spreading his fingers,
he turns his head and peeks to his left. Ashcroft joins him.
The journalists present appear to be
in competition to see whose jaw can drop the fartherest. Helen
Thomas appears to win the first round as hers is resting on the
tops of her comfortable, black lace-ups.
Ridge continues, "That's right,
America. Please place your hands over your eyes and keep them
there until this Red Terror Alert ends." Pausing, he glances
at Ashcroft, who has formed both hands into fists and is moving
them up and down in front of his chest.
Ridge looks puzzled and from the podium
gives him a palms up, WTF expression.
Ashcroft continues to air-drive his imaginary
car, and adds in a few car sounds, "Brmmm, vroom, vroom".
A light dawns on Ridge and he makes one
final comment. "Oh yeah, be sure and keep your hands over
your eyes except when you are driving." Smiling, he nods
his head up and down, smug in the knowledge that he has ridden
to America's rescue once again.
With that, Ridge steps away from the
podium, giving the reporters and Ashcroft two thumbs up. Ashcroft
hands Ridge a red sweater.
Sheriff Bunny Pants smirks in the wings
proud of his two henchmen, shaking his head, then moves his hands
to cover his eyes.
Tom Wells
can be reached at: tomwells@schreiner.edu
Yesterday's
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Jason Leopold
Powell Warned Bush About
Bloody Price of Unilateral War
Ross Vachon
Joe
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Ahmad Faruqui
Killing
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Estimating Civilian Casualties in Iraq War
Reza Ghorashi
Why
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What Should Iranians Do?
Craig Axford
Environmentalism as Homeland Security
Harvey Wasserman
There's
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Ramzi Kysia
Dispatch from Baghdad:
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The Birth of the Tragedy:
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Project
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February 22
/ 23, 2003
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