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CounterPunch
December
18, 2002
Hi! We're Republicorp! (formerly
USA)
(this noticed received
in the mail by Rich Procter)
Hi! We're Republicorp!TM You may have known us as what used to be your
country, "The United States of America" when you were
just a "citizen." Now you're a Preferred CustomerTM
(proof of Republican registration required), and you're gonna
LOVE the changes we've made!
NO MORE Bill of Rights to protect and
coddle criminals! NO MORE "Civil Liberties" for the
bad guys to hide behind! NO MORE "Freedom of the Press"
to confuse and bother you with liberal blather!
Instead, let us introduce you to our
trademarked "FOUR FABULOUS FREEDOMS"TM
1) FREEDOM FROM TAXES! -- Leona Helmsley
was so right -- "Only the little people pay taxes."
RepubliCorpTM CEO G.W. Bush has mastered the art of "MaxAggressive
Borrow N' Spend BookkeepingTM." That means you can have
it all, from Corporate Bailouts to Evil-Doer Smashing Foreign
Wars, and all without paying personal taxes! And if this isn't
good enough, CEO Bush invites you to sample our "Tax-Free
In Paradise" Bahamas Shelter ProgramTM!
2) FREEDOM FROM REGULATION! -- If you're
a corporate CEO (and if you're not, you can stop reading this
letter right now!), you're busy creating jobs! Creating stockholder
value! Creating products that may (or may not!) kill your customers
because you've rushed them to market a teensy bit fast! The LAST
thing you need is some smirking do-gooder waving a lot of bureaucratic
mumbo-jumbo in your face. At RepubliCorpTM, we've eliminated
all this bother! <S.E.C>. -- SEE YA LATER! Soon, you'll
be able to hire seven year old children to work 18 hours for
50 cents a day! And if your product kills a customer, that (deceased)
customer is free to make another informed choice in a free marketplace!
3) FREEDOM FROM TERRORISTS! -- Thanks
to RepubliCorpsTM patented "Information Awareness Office"TM,
we'll know EVERYTHING EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE does ALL THE TIME!***
Lucky for you, RepubliCorpsTM has chosen convicted felon John
Poindexter to run this program (hey, it's takes a criminal to
CATCH a criminal, doncha know!) Of course, you don't have to
worry about a thing -- the whole point is to catch the BAD people
-- non-white, non-Christian, non-gun owning non-Republicans.
And the sooner we get rid of them, the better! Coming soon --
our "INSTA-JUSTICE"TM and "QUIK-DEATH"TM
Programs!
***Excludes Gun Purchases (Good work,
John Ashcroft! A RepubliCorp Plantinum Card Holder!)
4) FREEDOM FROM PROSECUTION! Let's say
you're a major pharmaceuticals company, like, oh, say, Eli Lilly.
Let's say you produce a product that might just have caused thousands,
even tens of thousands of families a lifetime of pain and despair
by causing autism in their children. Are you on the hook? No
way, now that RepubliCorpTM is here! One of our friendly RepubliCorpTM
Service Representatives will be happy to cash your seven figure
corporate check, and pass a special "legislative waiver"
that will give you a 100% (retroactive!) lifetime pass from having
to be harassed by ambulance-chasing lawyers!
And that's just the BEGINNING of your
RepubliCorpTM benefits package! Here's what else you'll receive...
* Your "Socialist Security"
money will now be "invested" by highly skilled Wall
Street brokers until every penny is gone!
* Your medical needs will be handled
NOT the old-fashioned way -- by profligate "Doctors"
toadying to self-pampering "patients" -- but the RepubliCorpTM
way, by responsible accountants looking out for enlightened,
dividend-hungry stockholders! Let's face it, just about EVERY
medical procedure is "voluntary," right?
* Your need to be a part of nature will
be handled by CEO Bush's forward-looking "Forests Into Deserts"TM
plan. After all, you'll be in the Bahamas in your tax shelter
-- what do you care???
Be watching for our exciting "You
Get More in 2004"TM RepubliCorpTM "Mandate Rebate."
Since we're no longer just a "country," we don't really
need messy, inefficient "voting," do we? Instead of
voting, you'll receive $10 "insta-cash" to donate to
the RepubliCorpTM Personal Representative who has done the most
for you!
REPUBLICORPTM -- "If It's Not Nailed
Down, It's Ours -- And If We Can Pry It Up, It's Not Nailed Down"TM
RICH PROCTER
can be reached at planetniner@yahoo.com
Yesterday's
Features
M. Shahid Alam
A Day that
Changed America
Mike Leon
Lou Dobbs
and Henry Kissinger: True Love At Last
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My Family
is Under Attack:
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Joe Quandt
The Lion
on His Den:
an Interview with Iraqi Dissident Ghazwan Al-Mukhti
Rep. Ron Paul
What Does Regime Change Really Mean?
Robert Fisk
A Middle East Peace Process without the Peace
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December 10,
2002
Carol Norris
Help Wanted:
US Government Looking for a Few Qualified Applicants
Tom Gorman
With Liberators
Like These, Who Needs Conquerors?
Linda Heard
Spies,
Snitches and Eyes in the Sky
Josh Ruebner
Striking
with Impunity
Joanne Mariner
You Have
No Right to Remain Silent
December 9,
2002
Adam Engel
Great Expectations:
an Immodest Proposal
Roldan Tomasz
Suárez
What Really
Happened in Altamira Plaza?
Robert Jensen
Bob Woodward's
Bush Hagiography
William Hughes
Berrigan's
Final Warning
Uri Avnery
Why Does
the Leopard Change His Spots?
Netanyahu and Likud
Gary Leupp
Religious
Intolerance Then and Now
Hammond Guthrie
In a
Moment's Time
(for Philip Berrigan)
Resources:
100s of Links
About 9/11
CounterPunch:
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Coverage of 9/11 and Its Aftermath
Five
Days That
Shook The World:
Seattle and Beyond
By
Alexander Cockburn
and Jeffrey St. Clair
Photos by Allan Sekula
(Click Here to Order from CounterPunch
Online at 20% Off Amazon.com's price!)
Read
Whiteout and Find Out
How the CIA's Backing of the Mujahideen Created the World's Most
Robust Heroin Market and Helped to Finance the Rise of the Taliban
and Osama bin Laden
Whiteout:
CIA, Drugs & the
Press
by Alexander
Cockburn
and Jeffrey St. Clair
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