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CounterPunch
March 14,
2003
GOP
Memo: New Product Ready to Launch
The
Roll Out for the War on Saddam
by RICH PROCTER
"From a marketing point of view,
you don't introduce new products in August."
White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card
in 2003, explaining why "Project Stampede America Into Iraq
War II" was introduced in September.
MEMO FROM: KARL ROVE
TO: ALL CONCERNED (EYES ONLY, BURN BAG)
RE: NEW PRODUCT LAUNCH
First of all, GREAT JOB, PEOPLE! Our
dynamic Iraq War Product is just about ready to go! Think of
what we've achieved in less than a year! We've managed to:
*Demonize Democrats as "objectively
pro-Saddam, terrorist-loving traitors" when they've dared
oppose us!
*Take America's Mind Off the Crappy Economy!
*Find A Great Reason To Stop Mentioning
Bin Laden!
*Rally Our Wingnut Base!
*Keep Our Defense Contractor Campaign
Contributors In Ecstasy!
*Trash NATO, AND the UN!
Of course, the man who deserves the most
credit is President Bush, who has provided the focus, the passion,
and the commitment to put our War Product across! If you don't
think he's focused, just listen to this exchange from his most
recent press conference!
Q: Mr. President, your fly is open. Do
you plan on zipping up any time soon?
A: I believe that Saddam Hussein is a
threat to the American people.
Q: Following up on that, Sir, what does
that have to do with zipping your fly?
A: A threat to our people--that's what
Saddam is. A threat. To the American people. Who are threatened.
By Saddam. Who doesn't pray daily, like I do. Daily. To God.
Because he's too busy threatening the American people to pray.
Like I do. Daily.
See, people? Now that's focus!
Okay, people, the War Product is ready
for roll-out. You know what they say--"A goal is a dream
with a deadline." Our dream is a second term for our beloved
President, and the War Product is a vital part of meeting that
deadline! Let's keep our focus as "laser-sharp" as
our President's! Here's what needs to be done during our March
17-18 launch window, and afterwards:
*LINE UP WINGNUT BLOVIATORS--Rush, O'Reilly,
Savage, Hannity, etc.--to push line that "once war starts,
anyone who criticizes government is a traitor, subject to arrest,
blah blah." Get the true believers foaming at the mouth.
*MAKE SURE ALL SMART BOMB POV CAMERAS
ARE ON LINE for nice, clear "Shock and Awe" hits on
FOX, CNN, etc. We need that big opening night "Main Street
Electrical Parade" effect.
*GET WINGNUT THINK-TANKERS ON ALL THE
NEWS SHOWS talking about what an astonishing success we're achieving,
how it's the vision of our glorious President, how Democracy
is breaking out all over the Middle East, etc. etc.
*MAKE SURE RIDGE DELIVERS "ORANGE
ALERT" WARNING of possible terror attacks during initial
attack phase. Use the usual, vague stuff about "increased
cyber-chatter" and "Arabic voices saying the glorious
day has almost come1 blah blah blah etc. etc.
*GET ASHCROFT ON BOARD to announce the
arrest of a "dark-skinned male in his late "0's planning
dirty bomb attack in major city" to give people the jitters.
Once we arrest the poor sucker, put him in a Navy brig somewhere.
*MOST IMPORTANTLY--RUMMY AND COLIN, READY
FOR YOUR CLOSE-UPS! We need you on every news channel and front
page telling the American public that now our brave boys and
girls are at war, ABSOLUTELY NO CRITICISM WILL BE TOLERATED.
Against the war? Go become a human shield, Osama!
It makes me laugh out loud when I hear
all these hang-wringing liberal lightweights whimpering that
the "war better go well, or President Bush is going to be
in political trouble." BWAA HAA HAA! Our War Product will
power us through the full election cycle, so we can frame whatever
Democratic patsy gets nominated as "encouraging Saddam"
and "giving aid and comfort to the enemy, selling out our
brave boys and girls overseas" every time he dare open his
mouth against the glorious war to bring democracy to the Middle
East.
Okay, Team, it's SHOWTIME! I want to
see you all tomorrow morning at the Prayer Meeting, praying for
GREAT SMART BOMB VIDEO, SURGICAL MISSILE HITS, and some COOL
FIGHTER PLANE GUN CAMERA FOOTAGE OF IRAQIS FLEEING IN TERROR.
Love you. Mean it.
Karl
Rich Procter
is a cranky, disaffected Democrat whose work often appears in
CounterPunch and SmirkingChimp.com.
He can be reached at planetniner@yahoo.com
Yesterday's
Features
Robert Creeley
Help!
William Cook
Rage Against the Regime!
Issam Nahashibi and Abdelatif Rayan
Bush's Iraq Deja Vu: the Reincarnation
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Ledeen's Big Score
Wendy Brinker
Guns, Oil and Drugs
Robert Jensen
Petróleo, Petróleo, Petróleo
Karyn Strickler
The Big Lie About Partial Birth Abortions
Mickey Z.
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